Magician Should Disappear (for reals this time)

Stupid Criss Angel has been in the news too much recently. I guess he's marrying a Playboy bunny or something, but even that doesn't make me like him.

I should mention that I'm a huge fan of magic. I'm a sucker for Penn & Teller. I spent many hours of my childhood forcing people to pick a card and pulling quarters come out of other people's ears. There have been numerous occasions when I nearly purchased one of these. And , yes, I have visited a website called hobbytron.com.

So I like magic. There used to be a time when I even liked magicians... but not like more than a friend or anything. Seriously though, check out how awesome Harry Blackstone Jr. was:

It's kinda hard to tell from the photo, but he's totally making that light bulb levitate while simultaneously making it glow. Plus, he can totally hide up to a dozen decks of cards under his lapels. Who doesn't want to party at the Magic Castle with Blackstone Jr?

Anyhow, that's what a magician should look like.

Not like this:

I'm tellin' ya, I love a good magic trick, but Criss Angel makes me not even care if he's using real swords.

Somewhere along the way magicians went from friendly tuxedo-clad gentlemen to shiny overly-shiny sleazeballs (Vegas's Lance Burton, GOB from Arrested Development) to cocky a-holes with with extremely poor fashion sense.

David Copperfield was bad enough, but now his name is Criss Angel and he's got a necklace made of crosses and handcuffs. At least almost-as-annoying David Blaine doesn't have a wiggedy Hot Topic hat...but I don't like David Blaine either.

And what happened to t-shirts? Criss Angel isn't the only guilty one here. There are millions of you out there. Why does every t-shirt have to have cryptic silk screening all over it. Is that a skull? An eagle? An upside-down tree? Whoa, you must really be a rebel because your shirt's printing starts on the front and works its way up and over the left shoulder...and here I am with a stupid logo front-and-center on mine.

Include Ed Hardy shirts in there too.

Outside of dressing like Mystery from VH1's the Pick-up Artist, Criss Angel is also a crappy magician. Of course, I'm a fan of card tricks and sawing people in half. I've never been a fan of the overly drawn out and produced magic trick where the magician does something stupid like make a casino disappear or set himself on fire for 3 hours. These are Criss Angel's specialty.

And when Criss Angel does his dumb tricks...errr illusions he really wants you to think he's amazing. Unlike like ol' Blackstone Jr. who would trick your eye and give you smile, Criss Angel acts like he is the baddest man on the planet because he just walked on some plexi-glass and made it look like he was walking on water. NEWS FLASH: he wasn't. Go ahead and trick us, but don't try to convince us it isn't a trick. You are not a "Mindfreak"...even though I don't know what that means. For the record, I don't care to.

All i want him to do is get a hair cut, take off the chains and pull a damn rabbit out of a non-wiggedy hat.

I guess there's chance Criss Angel's whole image is his best trick. Maybe he just appears to be the world's biggest douchebag. But I've seen this guy do "magic" so I know he's not that good.

Felt good to get that off my chest.