Things I Watched on TV While I was Sick - Vol. I

QVC

For those who don't know QVC is like the Home Shopping Network only it's on a different channel and has a different name. They sell everything from pre-made hamburgers to ridiculous angel lamps to those absolutely unnecessary twirly sparkly things that old people hang in their gardens. And if you've ever wondered where those middle-aged women get their sequined Christmas sweaters, this is the spot. Specifically, they get them from this lady on a show known as Quacker Factory (for a real scare, visit http://www.quackerfactory.com/):

And, yes, she always wears the headband.

Unfortunately, I did not catch the Quacker Factory this time around, but I was lucky enough to catch a full hour of food-related programming during which they sold lamb shanks (4 for $50), some kind of steak that the guy kept squeezing to show me how juicy it was, Pringles-esque tubes of apple chips, stuffed pretzels and "homemade" apple pies pitched by some actress I don't know that's from some soap opera I don't watch, but that I might watch if I had a few more sick days.

I admit I was a bit intrigued by the stuffed pretzels, but even under the influence of the heaviest of flu medication, I knew they were overpriced and that by the time they got to me I'd probably no longer be hungry.

It's an interesting channel because it's on live 24 hours a day and somehow, the hosts are always enthusiastic no matter what kind of crap they are selling or what kind of clueless blue hair is calling in. Yes, they actually take calls live on the air. They usually go something like this:

Host: Hi caller, welcome on the show.



Caller: (breathing)



Host: Caller, are you there?



Caller: Is it me?



Host: Yes, hi. What's your name?



Caller: Gertrude.



Host: Don't you love these Pringles-esque tubes of apple chips?



Caller: (fart)



Host: They're delicious and nutritious.



Caller: I just love them. I used to eat actual apples before I stopped leaving the house. I'm like 150 years old, all my friends are dead and my family never comes to visit me. Let me tell you stories about when I was kid since you're the only human I've talked to for over a decade. It was 1872 and father was out of mustache wax....



Host: That's great! Thanks for calling.



All the calls are depressing in some way or another, and no matter how terrible it gets, there are sometimes when I can't turn away - when I'm sick is one of those times.



After logging a good chunk of time to home shopping, I've discovered that there are many reasons why you might choose to make your purchases via QVC. For example:

A) You hate seeing a product firsthand prior to purchasing it

B) You have no idea how much cheaper things are in stores

C) You are too fat and/or lazy to leave the house

D) Regular stores refuse to sell the Quacker Factory fashions you like so bad

E) You're old and have no idea what the Internet is

F) You like to call QVC and go on the air to share your sad, lonely life with the other sad, lonely people who are watching QVC (yes, I know that's me)

G) You really needed that Dale Earnhardt statue

H) You don't need anything in a real hurry

I) No shirt, no shoes, no problem (Note: pants also optional)

So that was Hour 1 of my recent trio of sick days. Up next: Food Network. After that: Scooby Doo.

The Mind of Mr. Kitty

For some reason, Mr. Kitty thinks it's ok for a cat to drink like this.

Banjo Project Update #2 - Jingle Bells

In the spirit of the holiday season here is a video of me slaughtering Jingle Bells on the banjo. It might sound ok at first, but its true weakness comes to the surface when an attempt is made to sing along with it. Also, note how I've subconciously adopted an awkward full-body sway as I play. Not sure what that's about. Welp, happy holidays.

Race Results/Lame Excuses

Ok, so my performance at the Run to Feed the Hungry was not as stellar as I had hoped. Let me start my explanation by making excuses and blaming others.

First off, my lousy sister (and chief competition) showed up late. This forced us to start behind all the walkers which, in turn, caused us to have to make big zig-zags across the course in an effort to avoid knocking over baby strollers and elderly folks. I'm pretty sure this added about half a mile onto our run.

Then, even though my sister and I started at the same time and I finished before her, the official results have her beating me by 40 seconds. I know it sounds like I'm making up stories, but it's totally true. Anyhow let's look at how many of my lengthy list of goals I accomplished.

Goal: Beat Last Year's Time

Result: Probably. My time was 32:56 last year. This year, my official time was exactly 1 minute slower, but there was some kind of snafu. My best guess as to why my time was off is because I wasn't pushy enough at the end. There were so many people out there that there was a traffic jam at the finish line...and, apparently, there were two finish lines. So I snuck my shoe, through a sea of legs, across the first line not knowing there was a second one. Then I just kinda stood there like the dumbest cow in a herd of cattle. I must have eventually crossed the second line like a little over a minute later. After much analysis, I've decided that I really finished right around 32:45 - over 10 seconds faster than last year, but who knows?

Goal: Beat My Sister

Result: Totally beat her even though the official results say otherwise. She must have found a better path than me through both the opening mess of walkers and the ending mess of finishers. I passed her as she was walking (!) early on in the third mile. At this point she ran up to me and suggested that we tie as if we were characters in some touching after school special. I poo-pooed that idea and went on to victory. She'll even admit that she saw me finish ahead of her - ask her. Does it make me feel like a big man to beat my sister in a foot race? Yes it does.

Goal: Beat Justin Miller and Annie Hancock

Result: Not so much. Justin, a complete stranger who finished a half second ahead of me last year, shaved like 5 minutes off his time from 2006. I couldn't find Annie's name in the results, but she probably beat me too.

Goal: Lose to Fewer than 15 Runners doing the 10K

Result: Unofficial success! With my official time, exactly 15 people running the 10K beat my time in the 5k. With my real time (again, over a minute less than my official one), it's only 9. Justin Miller only lost to one 10k-er. Nice work, complete stranger.

Goal: Finish Better than #1467 Overall

Result: Yes, even with my bogus official time. Officially, I came in at #1223 - which, incidentally, is also my birthday (12/23). With my actual time, I may have actually finished under #1000 which pretty much would have been the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life. I blame the hungry.

Goal: Don't Die

Result: So far, so good.

Allrighty, that's all. Thanks again to everyone who donated to Team Leonti. We'll do it again next year.

Training Update

So, I've jogged about 3 times in past two weeks and never more than about a mile and a half. That's only half the distance I'll be running on Thursday so I don't really have a good gauge of my ability. However, I figure I've gotta be in better shape than I was last year at this time so I still have high hopes of beating last year's time (32:56.8) and beating my sister (Lisa).

Also, I'm comin' for you, Annie Hancock and Justin Miller. I have no idea who these people are, but I do know that they both beat me by less than a second last year. With my rigorous training regimen, I think it's safe to assume that I'll shave upwards of .5 seconds off my time this year. Hopefully, Annie and Justin (age 26 and 25 respectively) have gotten lazy in the off-season. They've probably written me off as competition for the coveted 1465th place finisher thinking that a half second improvement is impossible for an old-timer like me, but they've got a little Thanksgiving surprise coming to them. And if they had any idea they were in a rivalry with me, I'd say that right to their faces. Or not, whatever.

The Run to Feed the Hungry

Once a year, I like to thoroughly embarrass myself by trying to run 3.1 miles for "The Run to Feed the Hungry." I actually considered embarrassing myself twice a year, but I just couldn't get out of bed for the "River City Run." You can catch up on my impressive running history in an old blog here: http://www.oldyfoldy.com/2007/06/why-running-sucks.html.

Anyhow, this year's RTFTH should be a good one. Last year, after training for one day, I pulled off a miraculous 1467th place finish. This year, I hope to beat that place, beat my time of 32:56 and beat my sister...but, I'll consider it a moral victory if I manage to stay upright for the duration of the run. This is easier said than done as it turns out that in order to be a successful runner you must learn to both run and breathe simultaneously without, I repeat without, having your heart explode. For someone that gets winded just typing this blog, this is a serious concern.

Running is a weird thing to do and there are plenty of good reasons for me not to do it. First off, I'm in no hurry. I don't need to be running anywhere. It's not like I'm being chased or anything. I can pretty much take my time to get from wherever I am to wherever I'm going...not that I have anywhere to be. And, in the event that I do need to be somewhere, walking gets the job done just fine. Usually, I even have enough time to mosey.

However, there are also good reasons for me to run which include:
1. Making some kind of effort to be healthy
2. The amusement of others
3. Feeding the hungry

If you'd like to donate money to the cause visit my fundraising page at: https://secure2.merchantcart.net/fth/mywebpage.cfm?pID=288655. You might as well donate a few bucks since, after my heart explodes, I won't be moochin' off you anymore.

Thanks!

News from the Department of Sucky Toys

Rite-Aid's downward spiral to Crazytown continues to disappoint me.

As a child, I remember going to Rite-Aid's predecessor, PayLess Drugs, to buy respectable toys like G.I. Joes and/or "Zap-it" invisible ink guns.

Today, the quality of toy at Rite-Aid is an embarrassment to playtime. Teddy Ruxpin is spinning in his grave (he died of an overdose in 1994)

In the world of sucky toys, you'll be hard-pressed to find one more sucky than the "Infrared Banjo" which, as you can see, is neither infrared nor a banjo.

I should have taken a video of this toy tragedy in action, but instead I'll just have to describe to you what it does. Basically, you hit a button and that silver/purple/red wheel in the middle will spin and light up as electronic beeps and buzzes create a very un-banjolike form of "music."

Outside of it not sounding like a banjo, there are other tell-tale signs that expose this imposter as falling under the "Not a Banjo" category:

1) It's not shaped like a banjo, but rather like a guitar.

2) It has a whammy bar.

3) It sucks.

As for its claim of being infrared, I can only assume that the addition of the prefix "Infra" was a typo because I would agree that the device (which is not banjo) is, indeed, red. However, if the manufacturer really believes that the "banjo" falls outside the spectrum of visible light, I'm gonna have an issue with that. The main giveaway of its non-infraredness is that I can see it... and I don't even need my night vision goggles. Perhaps, if I were to don the night vision goggles, I'd see a spectacular display of infrared emissions, but I'm assuming that is not the case.

Well, I'd complain more, but I've got to go play my Ultraviolet Saxophone...which is shaped like a tuba and sounds like castanets.