For those who don't know QVC is like the Home Shopping Network only it's on a different channel and has a different name. They sell everything from pre-made hamburgers to ridiculous angel lamps to those absolutely unnecessary twirly sparkly things that old people hang in their gardens. And if you've ever wondered where those middle-aged women get their sequined Christmas sweaters, this is the spot. Specifically, they get them from this lady on a show known as Quacker Factory (for a real scare, visit http://www.quackerfactory.com/):
And, yes, she always wears the headband.
Unfortunately, I did not catch the Quacker Factory this time around, but I was lucky enough to catch a full hour of food-related programming during which they sold lamb shanks (4 for $50), some kind of steak that the guy kept squeezing to show me how juicy it was, Pringles-esque tubes of apple chips, stuffed pretzels and "homemade" apple pies pitched by some actress I don't know that's from some soap opera I don't watch, but that I might watch if I had a few more sick days.
I admit I was a bit intrigued by the stuffed pretzels, but even under the influence of the heaviest of flu medication, I knew they were overpriced and that by the time they got to me I'd probably no longer be hungry.
It's an interesting channel because it's on live 24 hours a day and somehow, the hosts are always enthusiastic no matter what kind of crap they are selling or what kind of clueless blue hair is calling in. Yes, they actually take calls live on the air. They usually go something like this:
Host: Hi caller, welcome on the show.
Caller: (breathing)
Host: Caller, are you there?
Caller: Is it me?
Host: Yes, hi. What's your name?
Caller: Gertrude.
Host: Don't you love these Pringles-esque tubes of apple chips?
Caller: (fart)
Host: They're delicious and nutritious.
Caller: I just love them. I used to eat actual apples before I stopped leaving the house. I'm like 150 years old, all my friends are dead and my family never comes to visit me. Let me tell you stories about when I was kid since you're the only human I've talked to for over a decade. It was 1872 and father was out of mustache wax....
Host: That's great! Thanks for calling.
All the calls are depressing in some way or another, and no matter how terrible it gets, there are sometimes when I can't turn away - when I'm sick is one of those times.
After logging a good chunk of time to home shopping, I've discovered that there are many reasons why you might choose to make your purchases via QVC. For example:
A) You hate seeing a product firsthand prior to purchasing it
B) You have no idea how much cheaper things are in stores
C) You are too fat and/or lazy to leave the house
D) Regular stores refuse to sell the Quacker Factory fashions you like so bad
E) You're old and have no idea what the Internet is
F) You like to call QVC and go on the air to share your sad, lonely life with the other sad, lonely people who are watching QVC (yes, I know that's me)
G) You really needed that Dale Earnhardt statue
H) You don't need anything in a real hurry
I) No shirt, no shoes, no problem (Note: pants also optional)
So that was Hour 1 of my recent trio of sick days. Up next: Food Network. After that: Scooby Doo.
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